A memory.

"No matter what happens now, I shouldn't be afraid, because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen." Radiohead, Videotape.

Somehow, for the longest time, I thought he was saying 'You shouldn't be afraid'. That makes it more meaningful to me. So I'll still take it that way.

Such a beautiful song.

Dear Universe.

I should've known better than to enjoy a moment of happiness. And by happiness I mean pure, unadulterated happiness. After that weekend, I've been happier than I've been in a long time. And less than two days later, it's gone. Something just had to come up and squash my good mood.

I know nothing lasts forever, but I seem to be jinxed. Just when I finally decided to take an active step towards feeling good about life and myself, I'm made to dissolve into a puddle of tears. Don't get me wrong, I'm more or less fine now - part of my new 'feel good' approach to life. But it's such an interesting thought.

I mentioned that I may have started liking how miserable I feel. Did that throw around me an aura that invites unhappiness? If that's the case, then how do I let the universe know that I've had enough of this rubbish? Especially now, at the beginning of my battle against my emotional anguish addiction, I need all the help I can get.

So, I'd like to let the universe know that I'm ready to be happy. And I'm trying. If it could please refrain from disrupting my path to recovery, I'd be very grateful indeed.

"I see a little light, a little grace, a little faith unfurl. Well, hello world." Lady Antebellum, Hello World.

A baby toast.

Over the weekend, I attended a workshop on Play Therapy. I had a really nice time, and some of the activities that we did were themselves so therapeutic. The first activity required us to get in touch with what makes us angry, and to categorize these triggers into 'mild', 'moderate' and 'severe'.

The activity made me think - something that I try my best to not do, especially when it could possibly help me. I tend to think about things in a way that causes me pain and I'm beginning to suspect that I may now actually like that. This activity, however, made me think about what angers me and accept and face it. Along with listing situations that make me angry, I needed to represent what that level of anger means to me - in the form of a drawing, a verse of poetry, a song lyric; anything you can put down on paper.

When I was representing severe anger, a line from a song popped into my head. It's been a song that means a lot to me. A comfort song. A song that expresses for me my anger, disappointment, frustration and sadness.

"You got some kind of nerve taking all I want." The Fray, You Found Me.

I really feel that line. And I've associated a certain person to these words. Let's call this person Person. During the workshop, after putting all this down on that chart, I started thinking about this lyric and what I've associated it with. And it really got me thinking. When another person is involved, it can never just be about what I want. It's also about what the other person wants and doesn't want. It takes two hands to clap, they say, and very rightly so. Although it was what I wanted, it was evidently not what Person wanted. And if I believe that by not wanting the same thing, Person 'took' what 'could have been', then that isn't being fair or reasonable, is it? All that I wanted didn't materialize, but how can I blame Person for not wanting the same thing?

But how else am I to cope? What else do I tell myself? I need to blame someone. And looking back, in all honesty, it was more Person's fault than mine. Maybe it's not fair to use the term 'fault' in this context, but Person screwed up more than I did. And when things still come back every now and then and still have the power to affect me, what am I to do?

Did I take an actual step forward today with the realization that a part of the picture that I've painted of Person as the bad guy may actually be unfair and baseless, and therefore not true? Does this mean that from today starts a journey of real healing? Or is it that I've only resolved this one aspect of the situation, and the other issues will continue to exist as is, incessantly skirting my conscious awareness, and entering it every once in a while?

Only time will tell, I guess. For now, I applaud this tiny 'Aha!' moment of mine, this mini victory.

"Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne." Panic! At the Disco, I Write Sins Not Tragedies.

*cheers*

*clink*

Ghosts.

"Well I'll be damned, here comes your ghost again..." Joan Baez, Diamonds and Rust.

Some things never go away. No matter how much I wish they would, they come back to haunt me. With every day that passes, I feel that I'm getting stronger; that I can slowly free myself from their grasp. But all it takes to shatter this illusion is a memory. And everything I've worked towards unravels and I'm thrown back to where it all began.

"...I need some of that vagueness now, it's all come back too clearly..."

It scares me - the intensity with which I relive some moments. It's self-destructive. But I see no way to prevent any of it from happening. I'm stuck. I want Time to take everything away. I want to forget. I want to look ahead. And I want to smile with all I've got. I'm tired of hanging on to something that has long left me behind with nothing more than a memory.

On the name and other such things.

Craft and music.

Two things that make me happy and keep me sane.

To those curious about how 'Bookends' is related to music, I say - 

"Time it was and what a time it was, it was a time of innocence, a time of confidences. Long ago it must be, I have a photograph. Preserve your memories, they're all that's left you." Simon and Garfunkel, Bookends. 

Two men who have changed the way I look at myself, at the world around me, and at music. Theirs is music for the soul; to disturb you with the stark honesty of their lyrics, and to then soothe you with their harmony and Paul's guitar - Absolute magic.

I have always been in awe of the power of words. A bit of a song, a verse of poetry, a paragraph from a book, a snippet from a speech, a dialogue from a movie - I've encountered some that are packed with such a punch that they leave me stunned. It's like I've been awakened from some sort of stupor. And I can't get enough. I am eager to come across more, and content with revisiting the old until I do.

Even my own writing inspires me. Not because I think that it falls in the aforementioned category, but because writing gives me clarity.

Thus this blog.

"The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium." Norbet Platt.